I’ve found a new hobby that involves corresponding with individuals that send me letters that unknowingly end up in my spam folder. I’ll let my correspondence speak for itself:
From Vivian John Paul:
Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.
Yours Sincerely Vivian John Paul.
It’s so rarely that someone – much less a total stranger – will sit down and pen a letter to a virtual stranger with “humble submission”…so eloquently stated, yet with a subject line of “help me out” to let me know that you’re down-to-earth and completely familiar with street jargon, you jive turkey.
In short, you had me at “Your Dearest,” and I would be more than happy to help you out with your multi-national problem. Yesterday I was forced to step over a panhandler – a former classmate of mine – as I happily skipped to my place of employment, which was awkward, but I’m much more willing to help someone with a unisex name writing from a foreign land than that prick, Darrel. That guy never took the time to pen out an e-mail from a foreign land purposefully avoiding using my name, so why should I help him?
We’re not so different, actually, you and I. Like you, my father was also a Kenyan lawyer, but not with OFFLACK. My father worked from The Bert Q. Sneezleweiner Society of Legal Aid and Panini Sandwich Advocacy Group of Rural Kenya (TBQSSOLAAPSAGORK), which is much easier to say the acronym out loud than type out…a gutteral acronym that sounds like an orangutan challenging an unwelcome visitor.
My father was also killed…although not by government accomplices, but an orangutan. My father mistakened the orangutan’s gutteral noise as the animal being familiar with his organization and foolishly approached the animal, only to be torn apart. That orangutan later went on to hold office in the Kenyan government, however, so it’s entirely possible our two tragic stories are more intertwined than we may have earlier expected.
The part about your wicked step mother especially got to me and left me with so many questions. What made her wicked? Did she and your late father reside in a part of Kenya inhabited by a Disney movie? Why didn’t she hold a position in OFFLACK…I imagine with your father being both CEO and holding a communications and advocacy role, she could have held a dual, oddly vast position in the business (Chief Operating Officer as well as Workplace Hazards Officer).
Your father was smart to hold that $8.5 million until you found a “foreign partner”…I assume that bank is also located in the same area inhabited by that Disney movie. It’s taking on a very “Blank Check” or “Brewster’s Millions” vibe here, so I’m half-hoping that there are more loopholes associated with this cash award. Perhaps when this is nearing completion, we’ll find out that there’s a twist where we can have the money, but have to raise a below-average-intelligence elephant as if it’s our own son until it turns 18. I assume we’ll learn an important lesson about ourselves during this process, however I’m getting ahead of myself.
Of course I’d be more than willing to help out a stranger contacting me out of the blue and offering to give me money…what kind of monster would I be to say no? I primarily deal in a barter system here in rural Iowa, however I’m certain that I could have some kind of account set up with the local “money shack” here in town and work up some kind of arrangement. I understand that you are writing with urgency, and I apologize for taking several days to get back to you…I was preoccupied with panini advocacy matters and scheming against my wicked step-uncle.
Most sincerely, and with profound respect and humble submission,